An Appetite for Love Read online

  So back to that morning with Alex. I explained to him about the situation with the other guy, Juan Carlos, and how I'd always been in love with him and I hadn't really felt like he was ready to be with me because of the conversation we had. I also told him that I really hadn't expected to meet anyone else, especially not a soul-mate! I told Alex that Juan was not a soul-mate but I had always wanted to see where things could go if we had actually been able to commit. I also told him that although we have the soul-mate connection, I really didn't know him well and I was scared to trust my judge of character after the last soul-mate experience. So I told him that I needed to get to know him better in order to decide what to do. He was totally understanding, or at least he appeared to be at the time.

  I even told Juan about the situation and he THEN, of course, said that he was ready to be exclusive, but I told him that I needed time to make the right choice. So BOTH guys were waiting for me to decide what to do. It was CRAZY! I felt as though my guides or the universe were playing a dirty trick on me! Either way, I was going to hurt someone and I was terrified of that and of making the wrong choice.

  I thought that maybe if I had sex with Alex, I would then be able to figure it out because that's a HUGE part of a relationship! Well, what happened was beyond anything I could have imagined.

  We were having sex but we couldn't pry our eyes apart. We could see each other's souls by connecting our eyes. Suddenly our souls and our energy started to combine into one and expand outward into the whole room. We never disconnected from our eyes and both of us kept saying, "Oh my God, what's happening?!" We were crying with tears pouring down our faces and the words "I love you" were coming from both our lips. I didn't even really realize that we were physically having intercourse because it was so intense and felt as if our energies weren't condensed into a body but were spread and intertwined together all over the room. We had become one soul.

  It was beautiful.

  ~Chapter 4~

  The Decision

  Most people might think that I should have automatically known who to choose after such an experience. I'm not sure why it was so hard for me. I was crying for the weeks that I was dating both of them because I really didn't want to hurt anyone, and I still felt like I didn't have the time to get to know Alex as a person to see if we were compatible with our likes and dislikes. It was a huge decision for me and every time I thought I had it figured out, I would flip-flop until my mind felt like it was going to explode.

  It was only a few weeks that this had gone on but I'm sure it seemed like an eternity to them. I could tell that both of them were pulling away out of fear that I was going to decide on the other person.

  Finally, I told myself that I was choosing Alex and that I wanted to talk to him in person about it. I told Juan Carlos and I only remember that he didn't seem very happy about it. I felt horrible.

  To make things worse, Alex seemed to be more distant and every time I asked him to hang out it seemed like he was too busy or blowing me off, so I started to get insecure and wonder if he still cared. I knew that if I saw him in person we would both melt into each other's energy instantly and I would feel secure enough to tell him how I felt, but that day never came...I ended up telling him that we needed to stop seeing each other because he was pulling away. I hadn't even told him that I was going to choose him because I felt like I wasn't even sure if he was interested anymore. In retrospect, I'm sure he was just as scared as I was.

  I missed him every day and questioned how I had ended it. I knew that Alex was ultimately the right choice, but in my haste I lost both of them.

  About a month later, he called me in the middle of the night clearly intoxicated and told me over and over for hours that he loved me. I told him that I felt the same.

  He wanted me to go with him to the mountains at 6 AM with his friends on a trip he was about to take, but I was not prepared for any of that and told him we could talk about everything when he returned. So I called him when he returned and asked him if he wanted to talk about everything. He was acting like it was no big deal, so I brought up that he was telling me he loved me and he replied that he was just drunk. I'm not sure if it was out of embarrassment but I took it as if he didn't care.

  So I just left things as they were. I regretted it for a long time because I know we both loved each other but were too much in our heads to realize it or put ourselves out there first for fear of rejection. I haven't seen him to this day but he still crosses my mind quite frequently.

  ~Chapter 5~

  Third Time's the Charm?

  My mindset after meeting the first soul-mate was that there could only be one... until I met the second one. I didn't know that anyone could have more than one.

  I wondered how many soul-mates a person could have and certainly thought that I had used them all up after the second one. I mean, who’s heard of someone meeting more than one or two soul-mates?!

  The first chapter is titled "The Floodgates Have Opened" because it opened some kind of special energy that was pulling soul-mates to me, as well as pulling in other people that I had certain energy exchanges similar to a soul-mate experience but they weren't soul-mates. For instance, with certain people, both of us would feel a shooting electricity into our lips and body as we kissed, and I actually scared a few people with that experience.

  I didn't think I would ever end up with someone who was not a soul-mate after that because there just isn't a comparison to that feeling. Therefore, my desire was strong to meet a life partner that was also a soul-mate.

  This desire led me to seek out ways to bring the soul-mates to me. I started to learn really cool techniques for manifesting my desire, and one tool, called a mock-up, was effective about 70% of the time with creating results. My next book, “Powerful Tools for Manifesting a Soul Mate” will give you a detailed explanation of how to do this.

  I used this mock up technique on a plane ride to Miami. I was headed out there for a nine-day music festival and I thought it would be fun to see if the technique would work. I specifically asked for a soul-mate who was the most compatible for me and I was going to meet him between certain dates that I would be in Miami.

  I had forgotten to be specific and include the words "life-partner."

  This was my second time in Miami and just as it did the first time, I felt such amazing energy in that place right after exiting the airport. I also was so excited about the music and the vibe at all of the parties that I was vibrating on a really high frequency, which equals a match-up to your desires and allows the universe to bring them to you.

  About the fourth night there, my friends, my brother and I decided to go to a few clubs across town. We ended up on this crazy adventure that I later realized was the Universe orchestrating me to be at the right place, at the right time. We randomly jumped on a bus because no cabs were available and the bus ended up going the opposite direction. So we hopped off and walked through South Beach, reached our first club and left, and then ended up hanging out in front of an apartment building in a courtyard before we went to the main club we were going to. Through all of this, it was a little like I was above all of these occurrences looking down on them and knowing there was a reason for it.

  Suddenly, I had this urgency to go into the club right at that moment. I convinced everyone to go in and I basically rushed ahead of them as I entered the place, and I found my way to the dance floor where I was dancing solo for maybe two minutes. I was looking down for some reason and as my head looked up I saw a handsome guy looking up and at me at the same time. Our mouths dropped and we walked up to each other. I KNEW right away at first glance that he was why I had ended up there at that specific moment. I had known him for lifetimes and it was an immediate recognition of him. The first words out of his mouth were, "I've known you for lifetimes!" I replied, "I know."

  We were glued together the rest of the night and for the majority of the rest of the trip. One of the first things of importance he said to me was that he was very s
piritual. This resonated with me so much because of how I had immersed myself in that whole world. It's funny because he seemed hesitant to tell me that, like he didn't expect me to have that in common. I think that I kind of scared him a little with my “crazy” experiences.

  I remember that the first night after the club closed he walked me to my hotel, and I could literally see my Guides with party hats on and whistle blowers. I wanted to laugh. I heard them telling me that he was "the one." Whatever that meant! At that moment, a really huge synchronicity happened. When he told me that he was spiritual, kind of with hesitation, as if he assumed that I wouldn't be, I received a text right after that from my spiritual friend who is able to receive clear messages from his Guide. I had mentioned to him earlier to tell his Guide to bring me my soul-mate and he replied that he heard me and it would happen all in good timing!! I showed this to Tommy at that moment. I'm not sure that he grasped the clear-as-day sign but I sure did!

  Anyway, we ended up talking, kissing, and staring into each other's eyes in the lobby for a really long time. The maid mopping the floor around our feet indicated how late, or early it was, so he decided to walk me to my room. We took the elevator because my place was many floors up. We ended up saying goodbye for a long time and kissing REALLY passionately in front of the elevator where my room was. He knew it was time for him to leave, so he kept pressing the elevator button but each time it opened we couldn't let go of each other. I can imagine that it probably was a funny sight to see because each time the door opened with a new person standing in the elevator, we would just shake our heads “no” and the door would close again.

  He eventually went back to his hotel. My hotel was a sky rise and it overlooked South Beach. I stood and looked out of the wall of windows as the sun was coming up over the clear blue ocean. If you have ever been to Miami, you know how beautiful the sunrises are. My frequency was so high after being with Tommy and being in this amazing place that it caused me to be perfectly connected to Source Energy. A high frequency simply means that you are feeling really happy and have clarity.

  Anyway, I looked at the waves and I literally felt that they had an energy of their own and it was like nothing I had ever felt before. Everything was so beautiful that tears poured down my face and I started crying in a room full of friends who were trying to sleep. I looked to the left of me and saw the spirit of a young lady with blonde hair standing next to me. She looked at me and disappeared. It was really cool because I knew that I was just connecting with the higher dimensions. This is the level that people can be on when soul-mate energy is present. None of it was a surprise to me.

  The second night with Tommy started with me running eight blocks down Collins, a Main Street there, because he texted me that he wanted to meet at my hotel since he was downstairs at the club. I was at a different event at the time and was a little nervous to see him, but immediately after I saw him I felt that “coming home” feeling and just wanted to melt into his energy to be as close as possible to him. I could tell that he felt the same.

  After dancing for a while, we wanted to be alone so we went to the beach behind the hotel. We took one of the beach chairs and towels that were left out for hotel guests and we wrapped it around us for warmth, as we kissed and gazed into each other's eyes. It felt so right and truly amazing. Time flew by and soon the sun was rising above the ocean horizon. We huddled together in the towel as I sat on his lap watching the beach turn bright and feeling content and grateful for the beautiful moment we were sharing together.

  The last night, my friend Elsa and I met up with his friends. They were all from Canada and VERY tall just like him. We ended up at the pool at my hotel after failing to find a party to go to. We decided to go have a party at the beach, so I went and grabbed my brother who brought his jam box and all of his percussion instruments. It ended up being another magical night. We were dancing in the sand to the music and my brother was playing the bongos while others were playing his shakers, claves, etc. There were smiles and good vibes coming from everyone until the beach patrol came and told us that the beach was closed. I knew that the Universe was giving Tommy and I alone time before he had to catch his flight in the morning.

  So everyone left and we stayed on the beach in a different spot, hoping to avoid getting kicked off. This night the energy shifted a little more and got even more intense. His kisses felt different. He was completely opening up to me. I remember hugging him and feeling his energy so strong that my whole body was shaking and then source energy flowed through me and tears poured down my face. I told him that the energy was just sooo intense for me. He agreed.

  He then kept saying that he hadn't expected all of this and that he'd always longed to meet someone with whom he could connect in this way but things were complicated for him. I knew at that moment it was because he had a girlfriend. I asked him and he confirmed it but the weird thing was that I wasn't upset since I had just been in a similar situation with Alex. I could somewhat empathize even though I wasn't officially in a relationship with my last dilemma. We briefly talked about his relationship but at that point I didn't feel like it was my place to tell him how to be happy or judge him for getting close to me. I was a little disappointed but it was all a whirlwind, just like with Patrick, because he was leaving for home in the morning, which was really far from me. I lived in California and he was on the other side of Canada. I just wanted to soak up all of the energy that I could from that night with him. This had been the most passionate soul-mate experience thus far, on top of the unconditional love energy that comes with that connection.

  We walked back in the early morning with the sun so bright in our eyes, holding each other so tight that you would think our circulation would be cut off. It was all so surreal and I couldn't believe that I was going to have to part from another soul-mate.

  We stopped on the steps in front of my hotel as people were just waking up and the hotel staff start to hustle about. I remember the door man standing there as we came up obviously looking like we were up all night AGAIN. I kept telling Tommy that he needed to go because I didn't want him to miss his flight but we just kept standing there for about a half an hour staring into each other's eyes. At that moment, instead of seeing into his soul like I have described before, I not only could see that but I saw my own eyes as I looked into his. It was like I was looking at my own soul. It's really hard to explain. Anyway, I finally was able to pull away and walk up the steps only to turn around and see him standing in the same place with a sad, longing look in his eyes. After walking a little further, I turned around again, and seeing him still there with the same look that I am sure that I had on my face, I quickly turned and sprinted into the hotel as I cried all of the way to my room. Tears were streaming down my face as everyone walked by. I hadn't expected it to be so hard to say good-bye.

  ~After Returning Home~

  I heard from Tommy the first few days after I returned and he was texting me that he'd never connected with anyone the way that he connected with me, and he was thinking about the situation a lot. I really hadn't felt comfortable texting him much because I knew he still had a girlfriend and the situation on his part was never brought up to see me if he left his girl. I basically just told him that I hoped he would do what's best for him and not stay with her only because he didn't want to hurt her. Eventually, the texts and emails became somewhat superficial on his end and I just tried to forget him.

  I found out later that he had broken up with his girlfriend but I guess the fact that he didn't reach out to me to see me kind of annoyed me, even though we did live so far away. I guess it would have been pointless, but in my eyes I would've made every attempt to be with someone with whom you have that bond with, no matter how far away they are. I guess I think with my heart more than my head when it comes to that kind of unconditional love.

  In the few months that followed, I fell into a depression, but not really because of Tommy. I wished him well and had gotten over him. It was more so because t
his was further proof to me that I couldn't trust my intuition OR my Guides! I wondered if I heard them telling me that he was the one because I wanted it to be so, or if he had switched up the universal plan because his free will changed afterwards. I just couldn't fathom that the universe could orchestrate all of those events for us to meet at that time when I had asked for no more short term soul-mates. I hadn't specifically asked for a life partner when I did my mock up on the plane though. My mind was reeling with confusion and bewilderment. My intuition was telling me that he was sooo right for me and my Guides were telling me that he was the one! It all seemed like another cruel joke to me. I was grateful for all of the experiences but not for the pain afterwards or the repeated mistrust in my guidance system.

  This is taken from my diary. "I don't think I would've written this into my life plan. It just doesn't make any sense at all! I highly doubt I'm supposed to have four soul-mates. Most people don't even get one! I can't even imagine another coming. I'm not trying to set a record here! "

  I wanted so badly to believe that my Guides had the best of intentions and that I was following a path that was put in place for me with a divine purpose, but this was my last straw. I just couldn't see much of a positive side to my repeated path with soul-mates and feeling like I was being misled by God and my guides. It was such a huge thing for me to feel a betrayal and resentment towards my guidance system. It's a horrible feeling to not feel like you can trust your higher self, God, or your spiritual path to have your best interest. After all, what else is there if you can’t believe in that?